A Truth Deep Inside Me

I carry her memories everywhere,

months and years have passed.

yet my heart isn't ready to put her down,

not because she walked away,

but I don't want to release her from my thoughts.

It is burdensome.

The pain lies in not being able to hold onto her.

I tried to delete her from thoughts,

I blocked her everywhere,

and I suppress instead of accept.

Not because I don’t have strength,

but sitting with her grief feels heavy.

I have detached myself from the world,

I'll never care or love anyone with the same depth.

Never will I let anyone grow that close to me again.

My silence is a pain with nowhere to go.

Even after all that happened,

I didn't fight or scream,

I just disappeared

and she misunderstood me.

My silence is not peace,

it is emotional exhaustion that says,

"I'm done" and "I don't care" just want to be alone.

But deep inside,

I cannot stop caring or loving.

A silent, withdrawn masculinity,

and in the end, I lost her,

I told myself "it just wasn't meant to be"

but deep inside, there lives a quieter truth,

Maybe I should have done something.

By

Sanji-Paul Arvind

**Do not judge my life based on my poems; My Poems and my life are 2 different things.