My Suffering is Not of Her

One day I found myself waiting,

trying to adjust,

speaking less,

changing myself according to her moods.

If she was was happy, I was,

if she was sad, I became sad,

if she was angry, I was terrfied.

And when she hated me, I tried to love more.

And when she started going far from me,

I tried to love her even more,

thinking maybe love could stop her from leaving.

Slowly, I forgot

how my own inner voice sounded

when it was not reacting to her.

That is when love becomes confusing.

My heart wanted to become one with her,

but somewhere

my soul wanted to remain complete on its own.

I thought I loved her deeply,

but maybe I was loving

how she made me feel

important, special, seen.

I had hope

that her presence would calm

something restless inside me

that maybe her love

would heal the emptiness I carried for years.

So when she left,

I was not only missing her.

but I was also missing

the version of myself

that existed around her.

That is where my suffering truly began.

Not from loving her,

but from depending on her love

to feel whole again.

By

Sanji-Paul Arvind

**Do not judge my life based on my poems; My Poems and my life are 2 different things.