When all of this began,
I was anxious, and she was avoidant.
The chemistry between us was extreme.
It felt magical and she was irresistible.
I felt I had finally met someone
who felt beyond ordinary connection,
someone who felt like a love from another lifetime.
And she found someone who loved her,
cared for her, and respected her.
Together, we created something beautiful
that slowly turned into trauma.
She rejected me,
and I hated myself for it,
yet I called that feeling love.
I felt she was everything
I had always wanted.
But perhaps, to her,
I was simply someone who would stay
without asking for much.
I felt different with her,
as though I had known her before.
I couldn't stay away
because being with her
made me unbearably happy.
I never knew that this kind of feeling
could disappear.
But for her, perhaps I was just another person
she happened to meet.
She created distance, and I created guilt.
I abandoned myself
trying to remain close to her
until I began to feel suffocated.
She abolished me from her life.
I accepted breadcrumbs.
And eventually,
her absence became normal.
She felt distance was safe.
I felt it as punishment.
I kept trying to adapt,
trying to understand,
trying to become someone
she could keep in her life.
But she kept creating conditions,
boundaries, and rules
that pushed me further away.
Slowly, everything became a battleground.
I had to fight just to give my love.
And my heart grew tired of being ignored.
I collapsed and she walked away.
She isolated herself,
and I entered a place
I had never known before,
a place made entirely of pain.
I was exhausted, I cried, I begged.
Still, she disappeared from my life.
It was painful, it was confusing.
I felt abandoned and she felt relieved.
And somewhere between
loving each other
and hurting each other,
we lost each other.
Maybe we were both hurting,
knowingly and unknowingly.
She was protecting herself
from what felt unsafe to her.
And I was destroying myself
trying to prove
that my love was safe.
In the end,
she found distance and I found pain.
And my heart survived,
but it came out of that love
with a new identity.
It was no longer just my heart.
It became known as “Her Pain.”
By
Sanji-Paul Arvind
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