I always found my way back to you,
again and again,
until your ego grew bigger than my love.
I would have waited for you for lifetimes,
just to have a few days
of conversations with you.
A few sincere minutes with you
would have meant the world to me.
You will never know
how priceless my time was,
how deeply I valued my emotions,
how carefully I gave you my attention.
I never wanted to buy your love.
I never asked you to owe me anything.
Yet somehow, I paid a heavy price
for loving you.
You were a rare kind of magic,
crafted by the greatest magician
this universe has ever known.
There was something about you…
a distracting kind of beauty,
a personality I should never
have allowed myself to get close to.
I never knew I would become so attracted
not just to you,
but to your energy,
the way your presence
could change something inside me.
And then you left.
But you didn't leave alone.
You took with you the version of me
that knew how to be happy.
You took the future I had quietly planned
without ever telling you.
Now every memory of you
plants another seed.
Every time I try
to cut down the tree of you
growing inside my heart,
another seed finds its way
into the soil.
And somehow, it always grows.,
watered by my tears.
Nothing can break me anymore.
I have learned to live with pain,
to carry a broken heart
without letting it show.
I have learned what it means to love someone
while not seeing them,
not speaking to them,
not reaching for them,
and still staying away because sometimes
loving someone means accepting
that I cannot be close to them.
People have called me by many names…
Good, bad, selfish, rude, soft, weak, dangerous.
They have judged the pieces of me
they could see.
But no one, not even you, ever saw the truth.
No one ever said the one thing
I secretly wished someone would say:
“He has a good heart.
He has a loving heart.”
And perhaps that was all I ever wanted…
not to be understood by everyone,
just to be understood by you.
By
Sanji-Paul Arvind
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